Mad Dogs and Englishmen

Make that Mad dogs, Englishmen, and my husband - going out in the mid-day sun. I don't know what part of "skin cancer" or "heat stroke" he doesn't understand, but something is definitely wrong with an intelligent man who has more than seven years of higher education, yet persists in mowing the lawn and doing yard work between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m., in the blazing heat of South Florida. He grew up here and ought to know better, but NO - every weekend it's the same thing: mowing, sweating, and cursing. All done without the benefit of breakfast, sunscreen or a hat. By the time he finishes, he's dehydrated, completely fatigued, ill-tempered and feeling very put-upon by those of us who have sense enough to stay in out of the noonday sun. The only explanation I have been able to come up with, after fifteen years of marriage, is that he fried some important part of his brain in his youth, either playing baseball or mowing lawns under the St. Petersburg sun. Since I have had absolutely no luck in changing his behavior, I changed mine. As soon as he gets out the mower, I leave the house, for an icily air-conditioned mall, theatre, or restaurant. If he has a heatstroke, he's on his own.

Interviewing Hell

I've been interviewing an assortment of people for four different positions in my office. Sometimes, if I'm in a good mood and the planets are correctly aligned, interviewing can be fun. Not this time. The candidates all had something wrong with them. They smelled bad, they had bad teeth, their hands were dirty. I first encountered one woman in the ladies' room, where I observed her exiting the stall and darting directly out the door, without washing her hands. Imagine my automatic recoil when she put out her hand for me to shake at the beginning of the interview. No thank you! I'm near-phobic about touching door knobs, especially bathrooms, and believe that not washing one's hands after going to the bathroom should be grounds for capital punishment, along with uttering the words, "I have went," and booking me in the center seat on any airflight segment. The two, hands-down, winners were both women and both redheads. There's a theme here. Ms. X was charming, bright, witty, and funny. She had been making a sketchy living as a stand-up comic, but, upon turning 40, decided she needed a "real" job with benefits and a 401k. Unfortunately, her entire educational and employment history proved to be fictional. All of it. Did she think we wouldn't check? Ms. Y made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, as soon as she walked in the door. She looked like Chucky the Killer Doll's mother, with protubrant teal blue eyes and a fixed smile. She sat sideways in her chair and never made direct eye contact with either me or the other interviewer. Her answers to our questions were short, but appropriate, until we got toward the end and I asked, "What two things do you look for in a job? What's important to you, in deciding if you want to work here?" She responded: 1. I don't want to be teased. I hate levity in the workplace and 2. (and she leaned in, across the table) Never, never ask me about my personal life. This recent, painful experience led Paul, my fellow interviewer, and me to compose the following 40 questions we'd really like to ask at interviews: FORTY QUINTESSENTIAL INTERVIEW QUESTIONS

1. Has anyone at work ever told you that you have body odor or bad breath? How did you respond?
2. Have you ever stolen anything from a coworker?
3. Have you ever taken a coworker’s prescription drugs? Did the coworker know?
4. Have you ever left work to have sex?
5. Have you ever had sex at work?
6. Have you ever come to work drunk or high?
7. Have you ever gotten drunk or high while at work?
8. Have you ever thrown up in the work area?
9. Have you ever bitten a co-worker?
10. Have you ever heard voices (not your own) in your head, telling you to do things. Have you ever followed their directions? How’d that work out?
11. How many times in the last five years have co-workers called 911 for you?
12. Do you take your prescription drugs on a regular basis, as directed by your doctor?
13. Have you ever attempted to persuade a coworker to join your religion?
14. Does your religion require you to recruit members?
15. Have you ever had physical contact of a romantic nature with a customer of your employer, while at work?
16. Have you ever been accused of inappropriately touching a co-worker or customer?
17. Have you ever stalked anyone?
18. Has anyone ever taken out a restraining order against you?
19. Have you ever taken an anger management course? How many times?
20. How many times have you cried at work in the last five years? (It doesn’t count, if you cried because you were informed of a death or serious accident of a loved one.)
21. Have you ever physically harmed a child?
22. Have you ever physically harmed a household pet?
23. Have you ever inappropriately eliminated any type of bodily excretion in the workplace and failed to clean it up?
24. If a co-worker confessed to you that he or she was planning to do something illegal and very, very bad and swore you to secrecy, would you inform any one else?
25. Have you ever had a strong urge to attack someone at work? What happened with that?
26. Have you ever been the subject of an exorcism?
27. Do you shower or bathe on a regular basis? How often?
28. Are you allergic to soap, toothpaste, mouthwash, or deodorant?
29. When was your last dental appointment? Do you go for regular cleanings?
30. What was the last book you read, on your own?
31. Name any five US presidents in order
32. In what country is Colorado?
33. In what country is China?
34. Have your parents, spouse, or other family ever moved, without giving you advance notice or a forwarding address?
35. Have you ever eaten someone else’s lunch out of the refrigerator at work?
36. When you use the restroom, do you make sure the seat is dry before you leave the stall?
37. Have you ever been banned from any business establishments for fighting?
38. Have you ever hidden at work, for the purpose of sleeping or any other purpose?
39. Have you ever set out a candle lit dinner in the office after hours for a co-worker you were hoping to seduce? How’d that go?
40. How many grievances and/or lawsuits have you filed in the last 10 years?

Losing My Religion

I am SO tired of religious people! More harm has been done to the world in the name of religion than anything else people have ever found to fight over.

How about a Constitutional Amendment to designate some states as "Religious Zones" and others as "Non-Religious Zones." No fair giving all the undesirable states, such as North and South Dakota, Mississippi and West Virginia to the same Zone. Zones can feel free to designate areas within themselves, like "Godless Heathens," "Agnostics," "Believers, But Not Practicing," "Wildeyed Zealots," etc.

People can choose the Zone in which they want to live, knowing they will encounter like-minded neighbors. That way, I will never again have to be recruited, harrangued, bored or driven to near-madness at a cocktail party.